Have you ever had a broken heart? The term is used so readily. What would it really feel like? After all - without a heart, you would be dead. You would be completely destroyed. Just like I am. With a broken heart you would not be able to function. You would be in pain constantly. Can't eat. Can't sleep. Can't breathe without you chest exploding with pain. Your eyes would always be hot with tears and your mind full of agony. Tonight that's how I feel. Tomorrow I hope the wounds begin to heal...but some wounds never fully heal. And all injuries leave a scar. The question is: Will the pain debilitate me forever? Or will I overcome the pain and find complete peace in the arms of my Lord Jesus Christ? I know what I want...but pain does strange things to a persons heart. It may sound awfully melodramatic but - I have made sorrow my companion. Sorrow walks with me wherever I go. I am not particularly fond of her but she won't leave me alone. When I am with others I can ignore her but when I am alone - she is my sole companion.
So...I'm crazy! I finally sit down and write a blog and it is the most depressing thing you're likely to read today. I needed an outlet and I figured that writing was a lot healthier than any alternative ideas that popped into my head. Sorry I am inflicting this on you. There is something bizaarely therapeutic about writing your innermost thoughts for the world to see. It's impersonal and cowardly and yet completely honest. There are no questions.
(Chaman doesn't want to be with me anymore because I have hurt him too much. I couldn't trust enough. Couldn't open my heart enough. Couldn't be vulnerable enough. I made my heart into a wall and now that I have finally softened - My heart has been broken. The very thing I was scared of all along. The reason I shut myself off from love in the first place. My fear ruined everything)
Saturday, May 17, 2008
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