NEVER ALLOW FEAR TO SEIZE YOU

Have you ever had a broken heart? The term is used so readily. What would it really feel like? After all - without a heart, you would be dead. You would be completely destroyed. Just like I am. With a broken heart you would not be able to function. You would be in pain constantly. Can't eat. Can't sleep. Can't breathe without you chest exploding with pain. Your eyes would always be hot with tears and your mind full of agony. Tonight that's how I feel. Tomorrow I hope the wounds begin to heal...but some wounds never fully heal. And all injuries leave a scar. The question is: Will the pain debilitate me forever? Or will I overcome the pain and find complete peace in the arms of my Lord Jesus Christ? I know what I want...but pain does strange things to a persons heart. It may sound awfully melodramatic but - I have made sorrow my companion. Sorrow walks with me wherever I go. I am not particularly fond of her but she won't leave me alone. When I am with others I can ignore her but when I am alone - she is my sole companion.

So...I'm crazy! I finally sit down and write a blog and it is the most depressing thing you're likely to read today. I needed an outlet and I figured that writing was a lot healthier than any alternative ideas that popped into my head. Sorry I am inflicting this on you. There is something bizaarely therapeutic about writing your innermost thoughts for the world to see. It's impersonal and cowardly and yet completely honest. There are no questions.

(Chaman doesn't want to be with me anymore because I have hurt him too much. I couldn't trust enough. Couldn't open my heart enough. Couldn't be vulnerable enough. I made my heart into a wall and now that I have finally softened - My heart has been broken. The very thing I was scared of all along. The reason I shut myself off from love in the first place. My fear ruined everything)

Thai-Burma Border

A tiny section of Mae La Refugee Camp (population 50 000)



The boarding school girls at Mae La (where we stayed)



Some of our Noh Bo students in Burma for Karen Revolution Day (we also attended)



Karen National Liberation Army (Burma)



"Love Mountain" - Noh Bo


Well I am finally posting some photos from the border! A group of us went (for 5 weeks) to teach English and to share the love of Jesus. It was a beautiful experience and I met some amazing people. We stayed in Mae La refugee camp and also in a boarding school in Noh Bo (a village close to Mae Sot on the Thai-Burma border.) We were living with the Karen refugees who have been marginalised for their faith and ethnicity for about 60 years. Please pray for them to continue in their faith and perseverance.

Brief Update

At the risk of having the lamest, least updated blog that no one bothers to check anymore - I have decided to post some recent picks. We had a quiet Christmas this year (Just my parentals and younger sister Hannah.) It was nice though. The parents house is being demolished due to ASBESTOS so they are frantically looking for new place at the moment. I am going to Thailand on the 16th of January to work/mission in a refugee camp/school for of minority Burmese group. Going with a group from church for a bit over a month so get back on my birthday (the 19th.)

Anyway, here are some picks from my friends 21st and Chrissy...

Heart, Car and Bookshelf

Well...update time. I have a broken heart; a work car and a new bookshelf.

Rach, I stole your idea with your beads/jewellery and transfomed an old pin-board with some fabric and pins. I think it looks pretty. Thanks for the idea!

Due to a "Misdemeanour" I GET TO TAKE A WORK CAR HOME! Yay me! It is a huge 7-seater/people mover KIA Carnival. I feel so little inside of it! It's so good to have a car though - (even if it's just for a while.)

I am practising patience (still) and trying to trust in the Lord as I am on my own again. Fasting; praying; reading my Bible more. My heart is sad but I am holding firm that God's will will be done in my life and that is the only way it should be.

Please pray for me. I need a lot of prayer right now.

My bookshelf is iron and glass. Just like my heart - Strong and yet fragile.

Moved AGAIN!

Hopefully this will be the last move I make for a while. It will be nice to settle a bit instead of being a nomad. It's a great place. Come and visit sometime.
New job is going well...Not so new now. Busy and liking it.

Long Awaited!

YES! I am still in the blogging game! (When I have a chance) I will try to let you know what's been going on. In the last couple of weeks I have moved house and started a new job so it's been crazy. Loving the new job and the house is nice but still wanting to move in with friends. Not much time to look for a place though.
Hopefully I will have more time later to let you know what I'm up to. Generally I am happy. Oh, and I FINALLY did my driving test last week. I got my licence first go! Wooooo hoooooo!
More later.

Something to Remember

I know this is a really old hymn but it helps me to remember to pray when things get difficult - instead of relying on my own strength. I hope it encourages you.


1. What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,
all because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.

2. Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged; take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness; take it to the Lord in prayer.

3. Are we weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge; take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do thy friends despise, forsake thee? Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In his arms he'll take and shield thee; thou wilt find a solace there.

When I grow up...

...I want to be happy...



Just like these two.

Oh Yeah

So...I got a new job! It fell into my lap actually (much like this one did.) I wrote an email to ACCES, an NGO who work with newly arriving refugees and I asked if I could do some volunteer work with them to gain some experience. About 2 weeks later I received a phone call from Mary, the Senior Counsellor and Co-ordinator asking me to come in for an interview. So I went in to meet them and they offered me a job as a full-time (paid) case worker for the refugees. The position involves picking up refugees from the airport; organising housing; counselling; showing them around Brisbane; organising schooling, TAFE and childcare assistance - Basically helping them to settle in to Australia.

I've given my couple of weeks + to HHH International College and we are in the hunt to find a replacement Jes. Hopefully one of my Christian Japanese friends - Sachiko - will be able to work here. She would be great! Anyway, between now and the 7th of May I have A LOT to do (this includes moving house.) I am excited but also a little nervous at the challenge. Mostly though, I am thankful that I was given this great opportunity to FINALLY do something I am passionate about and that has something to do with a Bachelor in Social Science! God has really blessed me in this and I hope I can do a good job.

So...that's my big news. Yay me!

The beauty that surrounds us

Faith and Jessica

There were two little girls named Faith and Jessica. They both had small hearts.

Faith decided that to increase her heart's size she would love as many people as she could. "Maybe love will make my heart bigger" she thought. So every day Faith met people and built friendships with them and became a part of their lives. She ate with them, cried with them, encouraged them and loved them deeply from her heart. Faith made friends with the aged, children, men, women, teenagers, - the loveless and the loved . Her heart was sometimes broken by those that could not love her back. Sometimes she was betrayed. Sometimes she felt unlovable. But her heart grew and grew.

Jessica was scared that her small heart would be broken or trodden on if she allowed people too close. Her heart, like Faith's, was very small and she feared sharing it with anyone. "Maybe my heart will grow if I hold onto to it tightly and don't share it with anyone" she thought. So every day Jessica avoided the love people offered to her. She shied away from compliments and withdrew from those who cared. She didn't allow anyone to come too close to her heart for fear of being heart-broken. Jessica never had a broken heart, she was never betrayed but she always felt unlovable. Her heart remained small and she was devastated.

One day, Faith spoke to Jessica. "Look at me dear. My heart has grown! Why don't you try to open your heart to others. It worked for me - I'm sure it would work for you too!" Jessica was a little frightened because she knew the risks Faith had made to expose her heart to others. She didn't fully understand why she had to give something of herself to gain something. She knew that Faith had been hurt. She knew that Faith had been broken. But Faith had a big heart and that's what Jessica wanted too.

Jessica decided to listen to her friend Faith and she began to love.

Her heart grew and grew.

Heavy Heart

Just breathe - little heart; swollen heart.

Just breathe - hurting heart; sorry heart.

Just breathe - breaking heart; mending heart.

Just breathe - don't fall apart.


Hold tight - little one; fallen one.

Hold tight - hurting one; sorry one.

Hold tight - broken one; searching one.

Hold tight - look to the Son.


Don't worry - little girl; angry girl.

Don't worry - hurtful girl; sorry girl.

Don't worry - broken girl; mended girl.

Don't worry - don't trust the world.


Sleep a while - little friend; fallen friend.

Sleep a while - hurting friend; sorry friend.

Sleep a while - broken friend; searching friend.

Sleep a while - dream again.


Pray a minute - little heart; heavy heart.

Pray a minute - hurting heart; sorry heart.

Pray a minute - broken heart; lovely heart.

Pray a minute - and then we'll start...

again.

Menacing Heels

Today the school is being auditted in the hope that we will be able to have a TESOL (Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages) course mid-2007. Some of the staff have been working on the proposal for 2 years and there is a LOT of paperwork involved (my eyes are sore from proof-reading!) Everyone really wants the thumbs-up to start this course.

Soooo, we are showing off. We bought macadamia biscuits and the ladies are wearing heels. Since I am a lady - I am also wearing heels. I had to dust them off. I have worn them twice since I bought them 2 years ago. Once to my graduation and once to a friend's wedding (both times I packed thongs to wear when no one was looking.)

I just don't get why they are supposed to be attractive. Sure, you're taller (which is plus for stature-challenged people like myself) but they are so uncomfortable. I feel like I'm going to stack it and land on my face. Now THAT wouldn't be attractive! So why do all the ladies wear them? Is it part of the constant quest to be more powerful...more manly even? Or is it more sinister? A western alternative to the Chinese's feet binding?

If I didn't wear heels today - would we still pass the audit?!

Contentment and other things

I have recently been reading through some stories of famous missionaries. David Livingstone who served in Southern Africa; Jim Elliot who served in Equador and Amy Carmichael who served in India. I am itching to serve God and his beloved people overseas but feel that God has urged me to stay-put for the time-being... For the time-being!

I am so encouraged and challenged by people who have committed their lives to serving others - whether in their home country or abroad. My heart cries for the lost people of this world. The men, women and children who have never had the opportunity to feel loved or to know the grace of Jesus Christ. I love the richness that comes with relationships of different nationalities. I am in Australia and yet I am surrounded by people from different countries.

Yet, sometimes it is so hard to feel content; to just 'be still and know;' to listen; to wait. It is in the frustration of quietness that I often realise - I am frustrated because my focus is all wrong. I am focusing on 'doing doing doing.' Instead of resting in the Lord I am fretting over an unseen future. How silly!

So I am practicing contentment.

Instead of focusing on myself (persistent pride) I am fixing my eyes on Jesus (perfect peace.) Not-so-alarmingly, I find my worries pale in comparison to the vast joy of being close to God. It is such a blessing to have a Lord who has suffered so that we can be comforted in our trials!

International Outlook

On Friday night I travelled up to Mount Tamourine near the Gold Coast with some friends from church - Tim, Juanita, Jocelyn, Glen and myself. International Outlook is a missionary conference that is run by a collaboration of mission organisations and Interserve. It goes from Friday night until Sunday lunch and has a series of 5 talks and different electives to choose from. I went to an elective about TESOL and Missions in the Middle East. We camped and enjoyed 2 cooler nights than the rest of Brisbane. On Saturday a couple more friends joined us - Joel, Lauren and Rachel. It was great to spend some quality time together and to be encouraged by the many stories of missionaries from around the globe. I caught up with some old friends and enjoyed hearing from the main speaker - Gary Skinner. Gary has been working in the church in Uganda and has been largely responsible for the Watoto mission there. It was a refreshing and thought-provoking week-end. The early-morning fog was extremely beautiful! God is good. All the time.

Judging

Question :It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.Here are the facts about the three candidates. Who would you vote for?

Candidate A. Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist.He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B. He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C. He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

Which of these candidates would be our choice?

(Decide first... no peeking.)

People are not always what they seem. Sad but true. It is not our place to judge others (especially if we have a plank in our own eye.)

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

International Rachel Day

It's so exciting that the whole world celebrates my sister's birthday every year! (under the guise of International Women's Day.) Lach - I hope your 26th year will be full of love, laughter and lollies. For my part - I love you a lot, I laugh at this picture and I will eat a lolly on your behalf.
You are a wonderful young woman and I can hardly believe you are 25 already! Strike! Surely it wasn't that long ago that we were sliding down a slippery tarpoline in our back yard. I love you sister. I hope you have a very special year with all of God's blessings

Tortured Heart

Broken smiles
Captured hands
Endless wandering
Alien lands

Tormented dreams
Restless sleep
Agony permeates
Emotions deep

Anguished whispers
Soulful cries
Wistful memories
Excruciating good-byes

Meandering sorrow
Broken flesh
Severed family
Endless quest

Invisable tomorrow
History bleak
Unfortunate fortune
Life incomplete

Harrowing fear
Debilitating grief
Tortured heart
Seeking relief

Tortured heart
Seeking relief

Sweet Things

So far the highlight of my day was Wei Wei - a Taiwanese nurse who studies at the school. She bought me an enormous chocolate chip-berry muffin from Muffin Break. I love unexpected kindnesses! Last week she bought me some Panadeine from the hospital for my chest pain. The other day one of my friends dropped in to say hi with an ice coffee. I don't actually like coffee but I drank the whole thing anyway. Sometimes the simplest things are the sweetest. One day I went to Chaman's house and there was a trail of Cherry Ripes and clues/notes. I found little heart chocolates with my name carved into them hidden all over his room.

I wonder what sweet thing I can do for someone today?

Last Day

Sigh. Today is the last day of Summer. Every year I look forward to the 3 blissful months of heat - December, January and February. Now, I can feel the edge of Autumn creeping up, ready to bite me.I was born in Summer - maybe that's why I have a fixation with beautiful warm days. Maybe I just have cold blood?

But summer also has a down-side: AIR CONDITIONERS. When I heard the dreadful news I was devastated. The news of the AIR CONDITIONER. It was at the end of 2005 (if I recall correctly)when my mother broke the news that we would be getting an air conditioner in our living room. It wouldn't have been a problem if it was set at a constant temperature of 35 degrees but it never was. 24 degrees, sometimes 22 if it was particularly pleasant outside. There are times that I need to sit in the sun to thaw out.

The train rides are the same. If the temperature outside is warm the train drivers would over-compensate and create a mini Antartica for the un-suspecting passengers. Most people would sigh with relief as they entered the frost-bitten carriages but not I. For me the sigh would only be uttered after both my feet were on the platform and my feet began to take on their natural colour again.

So today I say good-bye. Good-bye to my much loved summer and hopefully good-bye to the frozen indoors. Until next year. I hope our air conditioner breaks down in the mean-time.